The Fine Art of Procrastination

You think you've got the art of procrastination down to a T do you?

I'm not saying you can't do it. You're reading my blog when you should be doing some work, potential you've obviously got. But I bet there are some areas you can improve.

Hot Drinks

Do you waste time preparing endless hot drinks and urinating? This is a question from a survey in a writers magazine. The preparation of tea and coffee is a classic procrastination technique but I wonder if you're pushing it to its limits. If you're drinking instant coffee then I'm afraid the answer is NO. Not only is instant coffee not real coffee (I have a Colombian husband, I know this stuff), but more problematically it is far too quick to make, making it a less than satisfactory method of procrastination.

Originally my husband bought that fancy little coffee maker, the one George Clooney proclaims to love so much, and we ordered capsules every month. Life was easy. Coffee was delicious.

But alas life was too easy and the coffee, though delicious, was not taking long enough to prepare.

Since those carefree days, we have made some changes to ensure making coffee takes up more of our time. Here are some steps worth taking if you want procrastinating to taste better and last for longer.

1. Buy George Clooney Coffee Maker or equivalent

2. Buy ground coffee
3. Buy a manual grinder (Warning: An electric one will be too quick)

4. Source empty coffee capsules compatible with coffee machine

5. Buy a special spoon that clips onto capsule to aid filling up capsule

6. Grind coffee

7. Scoop up coffee with special spoon

8. Clear up spilled coffee powder

9. Put sticker over capsule

10. Stick in coffee machine and press start

11. If coffee doesn't come out adjust coffee capsule as replacement capsule might not fit as well as capsules especially designed for your machine

12. Warm up milk in electric milk warmer (though faster than boiling on stove it is infinitely more stylish)

13. Pour in milk

14. Wash milk warmer at once to avoid sticking

15. Serve

Total Time: 20mins or 3-4 days, depending if you have equipment.

Napping

If you are working from home you might be indulging in the odd nap. But napping in an already installed piece of furniture is not going to take up enough time. Furthermore napping in a bed or a sofa lacks a certain je ne sais quois. For a superior napping experience I suggest you do the following.

1. Go to a Latin American country

2. Buy a hammock

3. Return home

4. Go to Homebase or equivalent

5. Buy massive screws

6. Screw screws into any available wall or tree

7. Hang Hammock

8. Prepare coffee as suggested above

9. Nap in hammock

Total Time: 1 week

Great Hammock Shopping in Raquira, Colombia

Nails

A nail file on your desk is a very good idea since you can't type and file nails at the same time. However filing your nails by yourself will never take as long as getting someone else to do them. You may be aware that The Guardian recently reported that some nail salons are fronts for illegal activity. Readers commented that they would now stop going to get their nails done. What a great bloody help to bona fide nail salons that's going to be! To help reputable nail salons from losing business and to make procrastination a more beautiful experience, here are some lengthy steps.

1. Learn Vietnamese (handy for eavesdropping)

2. Arrive at nail salon early

3. Read magazine

4. Dawdle over choosing nail colour

5. Get nails done

6. Say Yes to a coffee (Optional: In Vietnamese tell them you grind your own coffee these days)

7. Walk home

8. Make a coffee to recover from trip

9. Nap in hammock to recover from grinding coffee beans

Total Time: A few years depending on how quick you pick up languages

Bona Fide Nail Salon

Top Tip: The Vietnamese word for coffee grinder is máy xay cà phê *

(*according to Google translate)

I like to think these tips have been useful. However, you should probably get back to work now...