Launch of Serialised Novel: Spray Painted Bananas

My serialised novel Spray Painted Bananas launches today on Wattpad.com

It's a romantic comedy about Amber, a broke temp working in a catering firm in London, who after years of scrounging free wine from wacky art gallery openings with her best friend Farrell, decides there’s no reason she can’t become a conceptual artist herself. 

I'll be posting 2 chapters to begin with and then one chapter per week. 

Please come and find me on Wattpad and VOTE if you'd like me to continue the story!

Excerpt:

Chapter 1

There comes a point in your life when you can’t go on being scared. For me that point comes regularly, most often after my third glass of free wine. I say ‘free’ because I do most of my drinking at posh gallery openings. I stand in the middle of them, look around me at all the glamorous individuals muttering appreciatively and I pretend I’m in my natural environment. I pretend I’m an art collector and select pieces for my many rooms in my many mansions, and then I get the bus home.

If Londoners complain that booze is too expensive it’s because they’re not making the effort to track down the free stuff. There must be a show opening every evening of the week in this city and as long as you can stomach a bit of pretentious chatter then you can succeed in having an entertaining and cheap night out.

My partner in crime tonight is my best friend Farrell. He works part-time in a book shop and is as broke as I am. Pretending to acknowledge the striking composition of a randomly placed chair or the depth of meaning of some paint-splattered socks suspended from the ceiling is a small sacrifice to pay for a few complimentary beverages. We’d volunteer our comments if it meant getting free nibbles, but unfortunately the art industry seems to survive on a liquid diet only. And also no one particularly wants our comments.

Tonight the artist’s chosen materials are thick paint and reclaimed plywood. Plywood which has been reclaimed from skips, though judging by the state of them I’d be more inclined to say reclaimed from war zones. It’s the most traditional exhibition we’ve seen in ages. There’s still a concept thrown in though; there’s always got to be a concept typed up and displayed on a wall to be mulled over for months to come. Farrell and I prefer to make them up as we walk around.

A lot of strange things make it into galleries. Frankly I don’t know what went wrong with creating something you might actually want to put in your living room. I like landscapes but a landscape in the world of conceptual art could be anything from a peanut on a stick to a video of a talking meringue.  

The show is called Life & Death of a Ghost and is made up of five paintings on rough sheets of plywood and a stuffed chicken. The artist, who goes by the name of ‘Ghost’ has only used two colours, grey and green. Contrary to what you’d expect, the greener the subject the more dead they are supposed to be. The chicken is a grey lump. This means the chicken is alive. And yet it is stuffed. 

Continue reading on Wattpad...