Friday 27 September 2019

Perfect Parenting

Ha, made you look. There's no such thing as perfect parenting, silly billy. 

I've come to the conclusion that parenting is mostly about putting another human being to sleep. We're basically a really rubbish kind of chloroform. Rubbish because we're not very efficient.

Above: Unsuccessful putting to sleep of a baby. Note, baby has grabbed aircon control. 

I spend at least two hours a day putting my little human to sleep. It's even worse when she's under the weather. I've got a blister on my nipple from my little human not wanting to let go of me. She used to be fine. Feed, feed, feed, bye mum. Nowadays she clings on to me like wet sand.

She'll be snoring in my arms, and I'll lean over the cot to lower her down, and she'll wake up enough to dig her talons (cutting toddler's nails is hard!), clutching me like a bald eagle would a defenceless lamb. I'm the defenceless lamb bleating mournfully, "please let me go, I need to wash the dishes!"

Someone said she's clingy because she's intuiting I'm not going to be breastfeeding her much longer. That's news to me. I haven't formulated that intention, so I think what that person really means to say is: I don't think you should STILL be breastfeeding!  

Judgment is rife in parenting. I don't get involved.  I mean, you're all doing it wrong. I'm obviously nailing it. I've got a nipple blister to prove it. It's basically the official badge of the mothering elite.

Oh dear, there's going to be someone who takes this seriously. I can hear their voice: Oh, so you think you're better because you breastfeed blablabla... No. I wanted to avoid having to get up in the middle of the night to make a bottle and worse, to then have to wash the bottle. And dry the bottle. You know when you put Tupperware in the dishwasher.... isn't it so annoying how it always comes out so, so wet? I imagine that's the same with bottles. I could be wrong.  

Anyway, lighten up. What's your problem? Didn't your baby sleep?

Oh, they didn't? Fair enough.

I promised my best friend that I wouldn't get boring when I had a baby. I've broken that promise. I'm blogging about napping.  God bless everyone who has twins. May you always remember where you put your house keys, and have them to hand when you're juggling two babies at the front door.

Right. It's 9.26pm. I've got hours of sleep to catch up on. Good night!

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