5 BRILLIANT Christmas Gifts which are not pointless at all

Yay, Christmas! The time of year where we spend loads of money on stuff we don't need while half the planet struggles to make ends meet. God Bless us everyone! Well, not everyone obviously, just the ones lucky enough to be born in the right place at the right time. All I'm saying is, why not let us buy sensible presents? You know it makes sense.

After careful research I've selected five simultaneously fun and practical gifts for the Christmas seasons. I know you're bound to fall in love with one of them...

1. FOR THE TODDLER

How many times have you heard parents say it? Oh, little bubs here, he has more fun with the box than the really expensive present we bought him! 

SO WHY DON'T THEY EVER JUST BUY THE BOX? Every year parents waste money pimping up the box with really expensive brightly coloured plastic bits, when for a couple of quid they could just buy what bubs really, really wants. Wrap it up of course. A present isn't a present if it's not wrapped up.

2. FOR THE CAT

If your cat is scratching your sofa it's because it's trying to tell you something, you're just being too thick to understand it. 

YOUR CAT WANTS TO BE A DJ. No, it doesn't want a boring old post. Would you want to scratch a stick? No! Buy poor kitty some decks and let her fulfill her dreams this Christmas.

3. FOR THE NEW PARENTS

Most parents with small kids are knackered. This is because they are not delegating properly. This present helps parents feel less guilty about getting their baby to chip in with the housework. Dribble. Polish. Dribble. Polish. This present will light up their lives and their living rooms.

4. YOUR ORGANIC FRIEND

I'm not taking the piss. I am one of these organic-free-range-save-the-world people. But if like me, you've grown bored of trying and *failing (*forgetting) to cultivate the chili seeds given to you free with your bill at Wahaca, then maybe it's time to sweeten up your horticultural experience with mini donut seeds. 

You'll benefit from the gift too because the donuts should be ready in time for Christmas next year when your organic friend is bound to invite you to a mouth-watering meal! RESULT.

5.  FOR YOUR ANNOYINGLY BUSY FRIEND

For your friend who is OMG so busy, accept it, it's probably too late for them to change. If you buy them roses they'll be too busy to smell them. These bread gloves may be enabling their hurry hurry lifestyles, or it might stop them in their tracks, and think, maybe I should stop and eat a proper lunch because maybe life is too short to eat sandwiches every day. 

Either way, it's definitely memorable. Who can forget their first bread gloves?





If none of these are suitable, then you could buy my book instead. It's suitable for reading, holding a door open or starting a fire on a cosy Christmas evening. Unless its the 99p kindle version, in which please do not burn but dispose of responsibly.

If you'd like a signed copy, you can buy direct from me via Paypal. All books will be sent out 1st class on 19th December. Book plus UK postage cost £9.99

I should put a button here but it's not working plus it charges me money and I'm trying to keep things cheap for you. If you're familiar with paypal then you know all you need is my email emily@emilybenet.com to transfer £9.99 for each book. I will reply immediately. Promise.




For a less commercial Christmas post, take a peek at Emily Benet's Advent Calendar. 

7 Books, 7 Christmas Presents Potentially Sorted

I'm enjoying Foyles' Christmas marketing campaign. I'm all for buying books for Christmas. Books are easy to wrap, don't have a consume by date, don't come with loads of plastic packaging and might change your life, if only for a while...   

Behind each book there's someone who has worked really hard to get those words in a coherent order. Even the ones with the celebs on the front cover. Think of all those poor ghost writers who had to wear a bed sheet  throughout the whole process... 

Books can swallow you up and take you places, a bit like the tube. I was on the tube today but I can't remember it because I was somewhere in 1910, no 1918, no 1947, oh wait 1910 again... if you've read Life After Life you'll know what I mean...    

I've made a Christmas shopping list of books for your friends and family. I've labelled them clearly so you know who to give what... 

1. For the first person to talk about the weather

What I say: 
"Their Twitter account  @soverybritish is hilarious
the book is bound to be too!" 

Ideal for: 
Anyone too polite to tell you they don't like their present!

Warning:

Foreigners may not get it. My husband didn't seem to find it as funny as I did. 



2. For the relative with the biggest book shelf 

What I say: 

"Full of quirky book facts and entertaining anecdotes about book shops from all over the British Isles and beyond..." 

Ideal for: 
People who wax lyrical about the smell of books.

Warning:

Not for people who prefer the smell of a kindle.

3. For the friend who likes a dollop of gory crime with a dash of time travel 

What I say: 

"Most original crime novel I've ever read... a real page turner" 

Ideal for: 
Someone who would rather be watching an action film than playing charades...

Warning:

Not for relatives of a sensitive disposition. Bit violent. I wouldn't give it to my Gramma.  

4. For the one wishing they had written one of the books you had bought...

What I say: 

"I love Nicola Morgan's no nonsense writing style, every writer aspiring to be published should read this!" 

Ideal for: 
Anyone who tells you they have an idea for a book.

Warning:

It only works if they write the book. They can't just talk about it.




5. For the relative who might have hoarding tendencies...

What I say: 

"A really moving, beautifully written book about a family falling apart, and coming again to see what went wrong..."  

Ideal for: 
Readers who prefer a slow burn than an explosion of helicopters... 

Warning:

It may cause tear spillage. I was joking in the title. It won't help you if you are a hoarder, because you won't be able to throw it away it's so good. 

6. For anyone getting stressed over Christmas

What I say: 

"I open this book whenever I'm feeling frustrated... I always land on the part I need to hear. It keeps me sane." 

Ideal for: 
Whoever thinks they're missing something.  

Warning:

You will never finish this book. Nor will you want to. 




And finally... 

7.  For the little ones who don't know how to read yet... 

What I say:
"I'm in love with all the That's not my... book, but this one's especially Christmassy!'

Ideal for: 
Poking with sticky hands and dribbling over

Warning:

After 300 reads through, the story may start to lose its charm.

Please add your book suggestions in the comments! We will not let the Christmas Shopping defeat us, will we?