Oh hello, Ambition. We meet again.

I feel it in the pit of my stomach. The fiery flicker of ambition. I haven't felt it for a while. Depending on how it manifests, it's not always that helpful.

If ambition makes me feel like I should be doing something other than what I'm doing (playing with the baby, feeding her, hanging out the nappies...), then it's no good to me. It only creates anxiety.  I gave up anxiety when I moved to Mallorca. 

Impatience is a waste of energy too. This writing journey isn't a sprint, so I need to remember to sit comfortably.

I finished my fourth novel (sixth book) last week. That's why I'm feeling like this. It's been so much work and I don't want it to disappear into oblivion. Independent publishing has a lot of perks, and though sales might be better, it's a route which won't get my book in an airport book shop (a recurring dream of mine), or made into a film (every author's dream)!

However, if I was to embark on the traditional route once again, it could be well over a year before the book saw the light of day, if at all.

At the moment, I feel like making lists of small, manageable goals. I've a lot of things to update: website, blog, social media channels...

I want to give this novel it's best chance. I haven't settled on a title yet, which is very annoying.  As with my last novel, The Hen Party, it is set on Mallorca and has a multiple character narrative á la Liane Moriarty. The lives of four neighbours intertwine - think scams, lies, disappointments and romance - and naturally everyone's hiding something.

It's a cliché, but my heart and soul has gone into this book, and now I'm wondering what I'm prepared to do for it...

I suppose, first step would be to nail down a title! Too Good to be True? Too Good to Miss? The Hidden Agenda? The Pretenders? Change of Heart? Suspiciously Wonderful?  Aaargh it's so tricky!  

The baby is waking, so off I go. Perhaps she'll have a good idea. 

If you're looking for a summery read, you might enjoy The Hen Party! 

Why I'm finally attempting the Nanowrimo challenge...

Lately I've been feeling restless. I feel like I should be happier. 

My friend sends me a video of a snoring door mouse.

I reply with a baby hamster.

A photo posted by Animals (@animaladdicts) on Oct 26, 2015 at 4:38pm PDT

It cheers me up for a while.

The trouble always starts when I'm not working on a new novel. I was, but I've had to pause it, to promote #PleaseRetweet. I waste a lot of time worrying that my book isn't going to sell. 

(It's free to download at the moment but it still has to hit the top 100 free books...it should have by now, shouldn't it? Why hasn't it? The same thoughts go round and round in my head).   

The cure to this anxiety must be to create. I don't want to think about the point of it all. I just want to bash out words until they start writing themselves.

That's why I'm going to attempt Nanowrimo, the 50,000 words in a month challenge. I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't complete it. If I write 30,000 words, I'll be pleased. I just need to get back into the rhythm.

This is my strategy:

1. Get up one hour earlier

2. Write using a timer (45 minute stints)

3. Stay off social media until I've completed the first 1000 words a day

I reckon this simple strategy would work for achieving a lot of goals, don't you? (Just substitute 'write' for whatever it is you want to be doing!) 

Is it a girl? Is it a boy? Is it a book? - said no midwife ever.

"Your book is your baby!"

"Getting your book published is like giving birth!"

I've never given birth but I'm guessing these statements are a bit far fetched. 

Writing a book is a lot of work but at least it doesn't cry. The only person crying is you because it's taking so long.  

Your book doesn't give you mastitis. At the most it gives you a headache. Possibly a bit of repetitive strain injury. If you prefer vintage methods and are using pen and paper, there's the danger of paper cuts.

Your book does not poo. Although that doesn't mean it isn't crap. The first draft will definitely stink, even though it took you the best part of nine months to create. Ten years if you've had a stab at 'literary fiction*'.

(*Literary fiction is the one where not much happens, but it makes you cry because it's so beautiful and profound. Although you might also be crying because you've just finished reading 400 pages and you don't know what's happened.)

You don't feel unconditional love for your book. If you look too closely, you still see bits you could improve. I don't think you give birth and immediately think, Not bad! But I could have made its ears a bit rounder!  

The biggest difference I guess is, after you give birth you don't usually want to sell your baby, whereas every author wants to sell their freshly born book. The fact that this is actually quite difficult leads to what I'm calling Post Publication Blues. The post natal depression of the book publishing experience.  

There are so many posts on dealing with rejections from agents and publishers, but not so much advice for the writers who have managed to get books published, and still feel they have a long way to go until they 'make it'. How do you keep your morale up when it feels like you're getting nowhere fast?

Well, I've just opened Eckhart Tolle's book Stillness Speaks and read this: 

"Doing one thing at a time", is how one Zen Master defined the essence of Zen. Doing one thing at a time means to be total in what you do, to give it your complete attention. This is surrendered action - empowered action.

I think this translates as TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME. This probably applies to babies and books. 

Reasons to buy my baby #PleaseRetweet

1. It is potty trained and doesn't dribble.

2. It sleeps all through the night.

3. It is well-behaved on planes

4. Apparently it's funny* (*reviewers words, not mine)

5. It's only £2.99

The ebook is out now. 

The paperback is available for preorder and will be out on 5th November!

Dealing with Your Inner Demons

Cartoon by C3LTICFURY

A demon is trying to convince me to give up writing. His name is DORONTOTHOR, demonic leader of paralysing uncertainty and creator of the doubting whispers. 

I prefer to call him Dennis. It seems to take the wind out of his sails. 

Dennis usually appears when I'm feeling tired, hungry, premenstrual, or when I've run out of matching socks and there's no food in the fridge, or when the only tea bag left in the house is a herbal one (ie. smells nice, but tastes of cardboard).

Dennis pretends to be my friend at first, pretends to be interested in my welfare... 

Demon: So, how's The Temp selling? 

Me: *shrugs* can't say yet. 

Demon: Well, what's its amazon ranking? Wow... 250,000? Not exactly Harry Potter then! 

Me: It's not the winning but the participation that counts. 

Demon: If you say so. How long did it take you to write again? 

Me: I think it's best not to dwell on the past. 

Demon: How's the publicity going? 

Me: Well, my grandma gave out some of my promotional postcards to a few people in church yesterday! 

Demon: Those postcards that cost you £65? 

Me: Yup. 

Demon: Those postcards you bought for a talk which paid you less that £65?

Me: I needed something physical! With an ebook it feels like you're promoting thin air sometimes. 

Demon: But you didn't even leave the cards out on the book stand at the talk, did you? 

Me: It was awkward... The book stand was run by a bookshop owner and they don't like ebooks, do they?  

Dennis can really ware me down sometimes. The other day, I lay awake in bed and I thought, alright what would I do if I didn't write? 

1. Clean Oven 

2. Clean Fridge 

3. Clean Washing Machine 

4. Clean Underneath Oven, Fridge and Washing Machine 

5. Consider decorating flat 

6. Decide not to decorate flat since it's only rented and we might move 

7. Become a social butterfly 

8. Get another job to fund social butterfly activities 

9. Think about how much I miss writing while doing new job I had to get to earn money to fund social butterflies activities 

I'm going to show Dennis the list when I see him next. 

Demon: Blablabla...

In other news, my blog is a candidate in the UK Blog Awards 2015 and the public voting has now opened! If you've ever enjoyed my blog, it only take a moment to vote, and every vote makes a huge difference... 

Demon: You're being too pushy. 

Me: You want to see pushy? 

*pushes Dennis off cliff*

Me: That's better... now where we? Oh yes, please vote! 

Lessons from the Writing Journey: Chill Out

After three months working on a novel, with 75,000 words already written, the agent phones up to say she doesn't like it. 

I'm on reception, temping at an osteopathic clinic. It seems inappropriate to sob in front of the waiting patients so I schedule a breakdown for any time after 5.30pm. As breakdowns go it's a quiet one. Just a couple of beers and a bath filled with my own tears.             

On the scale of things, three months isn't all that long to spend on a novel. That I contemplated giving up writing altogether probably sounds like an overreaction. But of course I wasn't focusing on the last three month, was I? I was looking back at 19 years of wanting to make it as a novelist. I was thinking of the three other novels stored on my computer which had never seen the light of day. The mind is very good at turning a slight obstacle into a mountain of epic proportions.

            

Despite my inner turmoil, I couldn't help thinking that I'd invested too much effort and energy to just give it up. I was also worried that if I did I'd always feel like I'd failed. What I needed to do was dig into my reserve of stamina and charge ahead. If other writers had managed to get published and make half a living out of doing what they loved then so could I.

           

By the following day I'd given up the idea of giving up and was focused on trying to come up with a new idea. But I was so anxious about not having an idea that I couldn't possibly think of one. I felt sick to my stomach. Having stamina is a fat lot of good if you've got no decent ideas.

            

When I met the assistant agent for a coffee and a debrief, I had nothing concrete to tell her. 

           

"Apart from writing, how have you been?" she said brightly.

            

That drew a blank. Apart from writing... what had I done?

           

It was a bit of a wake up call. What was I supposed to write about if all I did was write? I had to enjoy myself a bit more. I had to go out and see things.

            

As soon as I relaxed, two things happened.

            

First, I got a new idea.

            

Second, I got sick.

         

Our bodies are very clever, aren't they? I think mine just wanted to make sure I stayed away from the computer so the idea could germinate a little longer. I'm excited about it now, but to save me some grief I'm going to wait until I hear my agent's thoughts. 

In the mean time, I won't be stressing. As soon as the next triangle of sunshine falls across the living room carpet, I'm going to stretch out across it and pretend I'm on holiday. 

           

                       

MY MONTHLY NEWSLETTER

How to Write that Novel Faster

Image from Kittybloger

A couple of months ago I felt like I had lost all self-discipline. I had a new novel to write but I wasn't getting the words down. Instead I was wasting far too much time online. In that unproductive month I must have signed over twenty online petitions, clicked on as many cute kittens and tweeted enough words for a few chapters.

 

Two things happened to get me back in gear. Firstly, I was at a party with Alix Christie, the wise and brilliant author of the upcoming Gutenburg's Apprentice, and she said to me:

 

"you must be careful you don't waste all your creative energy on social media and have nothing left for the book." That really woke me up. Social media is brilliant if you have great content to share, but it takes time and energy to create that. What would I prefer? A hundred thousand words worth of random tweets or a novel?

 

The second thing to happen was I asked my agent for a deadline. "Before the London Book Fair would be good," she said. "March?" Until I wrote Spray Painted Bananas I didn't think it was possible to write a decent draft of a novel in three months. I do now. I've found a way.

 

Writing fast isn't for everybody and some books need to be slow cooked for years. But I prefer to bash a draft out and edit later. If you wish you were writing faster, these tips might help: 

 

7 Tips for Writing Faster:  

 

 

1. Decide what is your writing goal for the week - this might be a word count, a number of chapters or to finish a particular section.

 

2. Set a realistic daily word count - it doesn't matter if it's only 100 words, what matter is that it's achievable so you won't be put off, and you will feel happy when you've completed them each day.

 

3. Don't go on social media until you've finished your daily word count - this one makes a huge difference! As soon as you go on Facebook, Twitter or your Email you're guaranteed to get distracted. When I'm feeling weak, I'll write half my word count goal, check my social networks, then switch off again for the second half.

 

4. Write DRAFT at the top of the page - it will make you feel less self-conscious. It's okay if your writing is terrible, at this point you just want to get the story down. Don't worry about editing until later.

 

5. Use post-its and a corkboard to track your chapters - useful for getting an overview of the novel and keeping on top of what you have and haven't written.

 

6. Leave the chores for your break time - put off the washing and hoovering until you need a break from writing. Doing something practical and physical will give your mind some space. Often a solution to my plot problems will come when I'm washing the dishes.

 

7. Plan what you need to write the night before - that way you're ready to get stuck in straight away the following day.

 

MY MONTHLY NEWSLETTER

NaNoWriMo - How do they do it?

 

Next month thousands of people will be taking on the mad challenge of writing 50,000 words in one month for National Novel Writing Month. With 10 days left to begin, participants have started voicing their hopes and fears across the social networks while organisers and veterans are posting advice and tips on how to cope.

 

I'm guessing the top tips must include: 1. Quit your day job 2. Separate from your partner 3. Give up children / pets / friends for adoption. As much as I love writing with the proverbial gun to my head, even I can't get my head around how people manage to get that many words down in so little time. It's not just the word count either. It's the fact they must know enough about their plot to keep bashing it out. So how do they do it?

 

Laura Chapman is a writer, blogger and co host of the virtual discussion #ChicLitChat. This will be her 4th year doing NaNoWriMo. I got in touch to find out how she does it.

 

Are you a full-time writer? No. For the past year I have been a full-time communications coordinator at a museum in Lincoln, Neb. While some of that job involves writing, I also do social media, advertising, marketing, public programming, etc. During my first two years participating in NaNoWriMo, I wrote corporate publications, such as newsletters, website articles and employee manuals, for various industries. That job was also full-time and required me to travel about 20 weeks a year. I would guess that about half of my debut novel, which will be out this winter, was written in airplanes, airports and cheap motels.

 

How many words do you usually write in a month? It definitely varies. I typically post between 20 and 30 blog entries a month, which requires quite a bit of writing. I tend to do my novel writing in big binges. The word count on my books can vary from as few as 5,000 words a month to 50,000.

 

How have you managed to hit 50K every year? By making NaNoWriMo a priority and by sticking it out until the end. In my three years of passing the finish line, I have only once known I would hit 50,000 words by the end of the month. In year one and year three I submitted my word count in the evening of Nov. 30. The second year, I reached 50,000 words a few days early. Something I did the first two years, which I plan to do this year, is scheduling a few days off from work.

 

How much of your plot do you sort out before you begin NaNoWriMo? The first year I wrote a rough two-page outline on Nov. 1. The next two years (and this year) I put together my ultimate plotting kit. You can read about it more in this blog post, but basically I create character sketches, identify the 10 key scenes in my book and do a chapter outline of the book. I’m a planner and sorting out that crucial information in advance enables me to focus on telling the story when I sit down to write. That’s not to say I don’t sometimes deviate from that plan, but I like having one to start.

 

What's your daily writing routine for November? Again, it definitely varies. I’m usually at my best at generating word count during my first and last week of the month. During week one, I’m so excited to tell my story I wake up an hour earlier than usual and write before work. Sometimes that means going to work with dirty hair, but that’s a sacrifice worth making.

 

If I have an idea during work, I’ll jot it down on a Post-it and save it for later. I try to find about 30-45 minutes during lunch to do more writing. When I get home after work, I make sure to take some me time. I’ll make dinner, maybe do something fun for a bit and then sit down to write again for a couple of hours before bed. I do try to avoid reading any full novels or watching TV except at designated times, because I find it distracts me from writing. On weekends, I try to write in two or three two-hour blocks each day. I’m a big fan of American football, and November is a prime time in the sport. If I know there is a game I want to watch each day, I plan my writing around the game.

 

The first and last week of the month, I also find myself writing for long periods of time on Friday nights. Something that helps me do this is to find a writing buddy also working on NaNoWriMo. We’ll get together, put in our headphones and tell each other we won’t speak again until we hit a certain word count. I have a healthy competitive streak. Admittedly, after about eight days, I’ll find myself skipping out on a day of writing, but I still try to write for at least a few minutes – even if it only yields 250 words – because it keeps the story on my mind.

 

What do you do when you get stuck? During any other month, if I find myself getting stuck I stop to consider why I am stuck. Is it something wrong with the story? Do I need to change what’s happening to make it work better? During NaNoWriMo, I’ll skip to another scene.

 

Something else that helps me when I’m stuck? I step away from the computer and try writing out the scene with a notepad and pen or pencil. For whatever reason, I find it much easier to fill out a piece of paper than I do a blank screen. Once I get going (and I try to only write a couple of pages by hand), I’ll transfer it to the computer. By then, I’m so engrossed in the scene I keep going. I also like to pick a song that sets the tone for a scene. I’ll put it on repeat and it helps me get lost in the story.

 

Do you have special writing / brain food? Kind of like a person training for a marathon, I try to eat a protein-rich diet, because it helps me with my energy. To help me save time, I’ll try making a full dish, like lasagna or enchiladas, which I can re-heat and eat throughout the week. Here’s a recipe for the enchiladas I make at least once every November. I also try to drink more water, because I feel better when I’m hydrated. Admittedly, I also tend to bribe myself with candy and energy drinks along the way, but I figure the extra water balances out those sweets and caffeine.

 

What sacrifices do you make to reach the word count? Sleep is a big one. Not all of the time, but when I’m seriously invested in a story, I tend to stay up late writing and I’m willing to wake up early, too. I also cut back on drinking during November. I’m not a lush by any means, but I’ve found it’s hard to get much writing done if I’m spending every weekend night in a bar, not to mention recovery time the day after. The biggest sacrifice is time. While I still manage to spend time with friends and family, they know my main focus will be on my book, so we hang out in smaller doses. And they know there’s a good chance I’ll talk through any issues I might be having.

 

What will you be working on this time? I’m working on a stand-alone women’s fiction novel. I don’t want to say too much about the story yet, but it will be a romantic comedy that involves American football. I’m actually running a contest right now to come up with the names of the fictional athletes who will be mentioned in this book. Feel free to submit your own ideas.

 

What do you love about NaNoWriMo? NaNoWriMo fuels my competitive spirit. I see people around the world focused on writing 50K words in one month, and it pushes me to think I can do it, too. Both my completed novels are more than 50,000 words, but having that much done on them in advance motivated me to keep writing until I reached the end. Also, by doing so much writing in one month, it allows me to focus on other projects throughout the year while still writing a book a year.

 

What's your advice to people wondering if they should do it? Give it a try. I’m a big advocate for NaNoWriMo, and I think it’s always worth attempting even if you don’t reach the 50,000-word goal. Look at it this way: even if you write 10,000 words in November, it’s still 10,000 words. Every writer has to start somewhere. Also, keep your eye on the prize, but don’t drive yourself crazy in the pursuit. Make sure to celebrate milestones, like having a piece of cheesecake because you reached 5,000 words, or getting a manicure, because you’re at 40,000. NaNoWriMo is a lot of work, but you can also make it a lot of fun. If you follow me on Twitter, I’ll be sharing more of my advice in the days leading up to Nov. 1.

 

 

Laura Chapman found a way to mix her love of romance and humor as a women’s fiction author and blogger. A 2008 graduate of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, Laura studied journalism, English and history. She travelled across the United States as a writer/photographer before settling into a career in communications. She also maintains Change the Word, a blog devoted to promoting women’s fiction and documenting her experiences as a writer.

 

Born and raised in Nebraska – in a city, not on a farm – she is a devoted fan of football, British period drama, writing in bars and her cats, Jane and Bingley. Her debut novel, Hard Hats and Doormats, will be published with Marching Ink this winter. Her romantic holiday short “Twelve Drummers Drumming,” will appear in the Simon and Fig anthology Merry & Bright, which will be available Nov. 15.

More from Laura Chapman:
 

Website

Blog

Facebook

Twitter

Find out more about NaNoWriMo

 

 

 

 

 

How to Write a Serialized Novel

Materials Required: Cork board, post-its, map pins, pens,
mug of hot liquid, laptop

Prepare – Write a big chunk of the book before you post the first chapter. Otherwise you risk being unable to produce Chapter 2 which could lead to an inferiority complex and the belief that you're a useless writer with no ideas. The latter may be true but there’s no need to let the world know.

Get out of bed – Obvious and yet often quite tricky. You must resist the urge to melt into the warm embrace of your partner, cat, dog, chimp, water bottle, pillow... Do not be fooled by the voice, inner or otherwise, that calls out for ‘Five more minutes’. Before you know it 5 minutes have turned into an hour of strange dreams and your writing slot has come and gone. Remind yourself that the reward of completing a serialized novel will be much greater than a few more minutes cuddling someone or something that you may well be cuddling for the rest of your life anyway.  

Fuel – Put the kettle on while your computer is warming up. A hot tea will replace the cuddles you have sacrificed by getting up early. Tea, in this case, refers to any hot liquid in a mug, including coffee, perfumed herbal stuff (although I can’t recommend it) and water with something in it, like a floating lemon, slice of orange or spoon of honey. Don’t be too imaginative, you need to save your imagination  for your upcoming chapters.

Write  - The first hour is crucial. Do not check your mail, do not tweet, do no comment on banal facebook statuses, do not comment on interesting facebook statuses, do not ‘like’ anything. Write. Write. Write. Don’t edit, don’t reread. Don't play about with the font. Don't text people to tell them that you finally did it, you finally got up early to write. Just write damn it! 

Edit –  Edit a chapter a couple of days before you post it. For the purpose of continuity you might need to read the whole book from time to time. It might be that you've forgotten your character is supposed to have a limp, in which case you’ll need to reinstate it (he’ll forgive you in time).

Trust – Your pre-written chunk of novel provides a buffer when you get stuck. When this unhappy time comes and you’re staring at a blank screen with tears in your eyes and demons in your mind, keep calm. ‘Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen,’ said the essayist, Ralph Waldo Emerson (along with a bunch of other people on twitter). You have committed to this project and you will finish it. Sit on the floor with your cork board of post-its and trust that an idea will come.

My serialized novel SPRAY PAINTED BANANAS is live on Wattpad.com 

I post chapters every Monday and Thursday.

New Challenge: A Serialised Novel

I’ve accepted a challenge to write a serialised novel.

If I manage to come up with 35,000 words by the beginning of November my book will be featured on Wattpad, which is a huge online platform for writers.

Normally that amount of words would take me about 6 months so I’m excited but also quaking in my socks.  

The book is about Amber, a feisty young woman on a mission to blag her way into the bizarre world of Conceptual Art; her plan, of course, being to grab some fame and fortune.

The novel will be a light, upbeat romantic comedy, unless the pressure gets to me, in which case I’ll start killing off characters. 

To be honest, my plotting has barely begun but I have a cork board and post-it notes so there’s hope.

I don’t know why I think I can pull a novel out of my pocket in a few weeks but I believe in saying ‘Yes’ when an opportunity arises.  

If my blog starts to look neglected, now you'll know why.

But I won’t be away for long.  

The first chapter of  Spray Painting Bananas has already been written. Now I need a book cover.

To read my serialised novel, you'll need to sign up and find me on Wattpad which is quick and completely free. Once registered, you'll be able to browse through a huge variety of stories and novels.

I'll let you know when my first chapter is up.

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it! 

The Second Draft

I was desperate to finish the 2nd draft of my novel before our honeymoon this May.

It’s a honeymoon so delayed that we’ll be celebrating our 1^st year anniversary while we’re away.

We’re going on a road trip through Italy and I can’t wait.

I actually wrote a blog before this one but it was a gloomy read.

At the time I had 5 chapters left to edit and I was grinding my teeth and staring out of the window dreaming of escape.

Not even my word count, a glorious 103, 660 words, could excite me.

The sludge of sentences blurred before me as I consumed an ocean of tea and coffee, and the occasional multi-vitamin which rather than boost my energy left me wanting.

If only we remembered during our darkest moods that the feeling can’t last forever!

A few hours later I was feeling much more positive and the blog post I’d written was made redundant.

It felt strange to finish the 2^nd Draft. It feels significant.

At 308 pages, it’s my longest piece of work.

Each time I finish a stage I gain a slightly deeper understanding of what I’m trying to do.

My husband gave me the beautiful quill in the picture when I told him I’d completed the challenge.

I won’t be writing the 3^rd Draft with it but I'll definitely be writing a dedication to him in a published copy one day; without his support I’d still be a long way off.

Next step?

We wait...

Distance from the novel will be useful.

For three weeks I’ll try to forget about what I’ve written.

With a bit of luck, when I come back, I’ll find it has matured in my absence and is far better than I thought it was.

But much more likely, I’ll be embarking on a fresh draft with renewed energy.

The funny thing is I already miss working on it.

WRITING TO MUSIC

It's been really interesting to discover that I'm not the only writer who listens to a song on repeat when they write. I only do it when I'm stuck and unmotivated. Below are two of the songs that got me through the last 5 chapters! They're both in Spanish and I think you'll probably either love them or hate them! Post your music choices!

An Extract from my Novel

‘The “Discovery” of America’ by Beny Quintero

Columbus’ spirits soared as they neared land.

He’d spent a good part of the voyage worrying whether they’d find it again.

It would’ve been terribly embarrassing to return to Spain having failed to disembark for the third time.

But God Almighty had smiled upon his knackered compass.

Below fish nibbled at the ship; fish which Columbus had also discovered.

“What shall we call this new land?” called Jose Maria de la Vega, self-proclaimed champion toreador (in the children’s category) and now sailor.

“We shall call it Colombia after me!” Colombus cried.

They anchored the ship and approached the inviting beach in small boats.

It’d been an appalling journey and their bodies were broken.

They were hungry, thirsty, stinking, lice-ridden and their teeth were falling out. They threw themselves onto the sand crying with relief.

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!

The voice had been projected through a curled up palm leaf which belonged to a short, dark-skinned man with a very round face. The sailors scrabbled to their feet, their hands instinctively reaching for their rusty knives.

The little man was suddenly joined by a large gathering of men with spears.

To the shocked Spaniards, they all looked identical.

The leader of the group marched towards the new arrivals with a brooding face.

“Right, what are you doing here?” he said. (He’d learnt the Spanish tongue from a small boy who’d miraculously appeared on the island a few years before and had become one of them.)

Colombus stepped forward, outraged at being greeted as such.

“What do you mean? I’ve just discovered this land!”

“Well that’s just being silly isn’t it? My ancestors lived here before your mother was an egg.”

“Now hang on a minute!

“Papers please.”

“What do you mean papers?”

The leader stared at Colombus frostily.

“You must have some sort of permission to be on this land. A written letter from one of the locals inviting you to a wedding perhaps?”

“No but...”

“A visa allowing you to work here because there’s absolutely no one else in the country who can do your particular job?”

Columbus sunburn grew redder as he stood there paralysed with rage.

The leader looked passed him and squinted out to sea.

“I hope you don’t mean to park that ship there forever.”

“Where else am I going to park it? We need to bring our belongings ashore.”

“What belongings? They’ll have to be inspected by customs. You can’t just bring anything in here... this is assuming you have permission to be here at all. If not, we might confiscate everything. ”

“Look here!” Columbus yelled. “This is how it works. I’ve discovered these lands and now you’re going to help me find all the gold, jewels and tobacco, which I'm then going to take back to the Queen and maybe I’ll take you with me too as my personal slave!”

“That temper isn’t going to get you any favours.”

“Give me my gold!”

“You need a license to import and export.”

“It’s my God-given right!”

“It’s not about right, it’s about licenses.”

The heat was making Columbus dizzy. He needed to kill this irritating little man but his sword was currently in the pile of flea-infested clothes which he’d ripped off in a frenzy as soon as they’d reached land.

“You must repent!” he cried, feeling faint. “You are heathens! You owe the pope gold and tobacco and strange fruit for your crimes against God!”

The leader wiped his nose then looked at his hand and frowned.

“We will have to detain you all, for illegal entry to the country, failure to supply any trading licenses, religious extremism...”

His nose was starting to run furiously. He wiped away the dribble on his upper lip.

“You will be fined and sent back home....aaargh...why is my nose doing this!”

The leader sneezed. Columbus looked at him grumpily.

“You’ve just caught a common cold, that’s all” he said.

The leader looked at him in horror then down at his hands.

“Shit.”

Then he keeled over and died.

Lost the Plot

To my horror, my plot is turning to sand and falling through my fingers.

I need water to thicken it so I can make my castle.

But I appear to be in a desert surrounded by sand and wind and bad ideas.

The way I’m panicking it may as well be my own life falling apart.

I’m getting married next month which arouses little anxiety in comparison.

At least in my own life I’ve got the hero sorted!

Panicking is not going to help though and neither is a shot of something strong.

I need to calm down so I can see clearly.

I turn to a creative writing course book* for guidance and start to read the section on plotting.

It's not long before I read about my own first draft which is ‘shapeless’ and ‘fails to meet with {my} intentions.’

Apparently this is where 'many writers hang up their pens and give up’.

But I’m not going to do that.

I’ve grown to believe in my characters. My problem is I just don’t bloody know what to do with them.

I continue to read.

Joseph Heller took ten years to write Catch 22.

I’m not sure if that’s supposed to comfort me.

I can’t bear the thought of anything taking ten years. I’m from the facebook generation where every creation and reaction has to happen NOW!

Basically I’m looking for an immediate solution to my plot problem.

I’m looking for the secret.

Reading the guide calms me down.

It dawns on me that I should be telling a story, not writing a novel.

The thought takes a hold on me.

I think I see a camel. It might be a mirage but I’m excited enough to stand up and wave at it.

‘Plot is for readers more than writers,’ author Val Taylor writes. ‘Reader’s ask, ‘what happens?’ For a writer the question can only be answered when the novel is finished.’

Which means I'll know where I’m going when I get there.

*The Creative Writing Coursebook edited by Julia Bell and Paul Magrs

Photograph by Elizabeth Hacker