Monday 16 July 2012

The Apocalypse Method Revealed: Rain

We will need to adapt, and fast! Pic from 'Engelsman in Africa' 

I don’t know about you but I always associate the word ‘Apocalypse’ with fire.
I think of volcanoes popping up around London and submerging the entire country in lava.
In a more rational mind frame, I remind myself that ‘the end of the world’ really just means, the end of the world as we know it, i.e no twitter and people using their ipads to dig vegetable patches.
But now I realize how it’s all really going to end.
It’s the rain.
Quite simply, it will never stop raining.
If you live in England then you know what rain I’m referring to.
The constant one...
I had my epiphany this morning while reading the Metro.
It reported an ‘almost apocalyptic summer’ for wildlife.  
‘In some cases puffins have drowned in their burrows,’ it read, ‘sea birds have been blown off cliffs by gales and garden birds are struggling to find enough food for their young. It has become so bad there could also be local extinctions of rare and isolated insect colonies.’
It will begin with the insects but eventually it will come for us.
And it will destroy us in 2 ways.

1)   The obvious: flooding, contamination of carpets then water supply, ruining crops etc
2)   By Demoralisation: reducing us to shrivelled, sun-starved wrecks with no willpower to attempt survival

It might seem strange that the end of the Mayan calendar should end in fatal rain, when Mayan civilisation was itself wiped out by severe drought.
But I think it makes perfect sense.
It’s like when you open too many websites at once and your computer can’t cope and freezes.
Evidently they did too many rain dances and blocked the system, and their gods have taken this long to process their prayers.
Alas, knowing the reason behind the catastrophe will not help you survive it.
What we need to do is adapt, and fast!
I suggest we all lie in a bath of water for a few hours each day until our skin turns to scales.
If we’re lucky we might also develop gills and webbed feet.
We must adapt our digestive systems too.
Concentrate on flies and fish.
Eat both raw. By December the world will be too wet for fires so you had better get used to the taste now.
But most importantly of all,
learn to swim. 

Puffins are also fed up of the rain! From Puffinpalooza 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Even umbrellas are a waste of time!