Terrible news for a writer mum...

My typing wakes up the baby.

Hoover is fine. Leaf-blowing is fine. Revving up a motorbike repeatedly (I hate you, whoever you are) is fine.

Typing, not fine.

When I was eight months pregnant, we moved to the flat next door. It had one more room, which became my office. An office beside the baby's room. Perfect. A sunny, cool, uncluttered room where I could snatch moments to write while my little one snored softly in her crib next door.

I typed like mad while I was pregnant. I wanted to finish my novel before my due date. Perhaps the sound now reminds my baby of humbler times, when she lived in a cramped flat and survived on a liquid diet.  

"What are you doing out here?" my husband said, when he discovered me writing on the terrace one early morning, "you have a wonderful office now."

I thought of my big white desk, my notebooks within reach, my selection of biros, my view of the pine trees. Was my typing really waking her up? Or, was I just being paranoid?

I returned to my office and began to type:

C-H-A -(I heard a stirring...) P-T-E-R ( faint mewling) O-N-E (loud cry)

I stopped typing. Silence. 

I picked up my laptop, charger, notebook, biro, phone, cup of tea and tiptoed down the corridor, passed her room and out onto the terrace. The cicadas buzzed, the leaf-blower grumbled, the motorbike revved, baby snored, I typed and all was well in the world again. When it comes to writing dreams and babies, you have to adapt to survive!

_____

Pregnant and looking for a positive account of pregnancy and childbirth? Check out the diary I kept while I was pregnant! It's available from Amazon. 

  

Adapting a Lifelong Dream

This is one of my longest breaks between blog posts during my nine years of blogging. For some weeks now I've been feeling reluctant to dish out another opinion when the online world seems so saturated with them. Even Twitter, which forced people to be concise, has upped its word count from 140 to 280.

Not wanting to bore you with unenlightened views about things I'm no expert in, I took to doodling with sharpie pens instead. My new hobby explains my latest blog header which I fear makes me look like a kids' author! (I'll bash out another one more in keeping with my novels at some point.)

Although I haven't been blogging, I do write every day. The dream of making a living from writing did quietly come true thanks in part to being a big fish (published, bilingual author) in a small pond (Mallorca). I'm currently working on a What's On guide for abcMallorca, which hopefully means I'll stop staring blankly at people when they ask me for recommendations on what to do on the island! 

The title of the blog refers to my childhood dream of becoming a published author with an agent and a traditional publisher. To cut a long story short, I did get all that and at the time it was so thrilling. Yet, as I explained in my interview with Paul Teague of Self-Publishing Journeys podcast, in the end this dream really was a huge disappointment that has taken me a while to come to terms with.  

I was so eager to be published that I accepted not being paid any money for the books upfront. I assumed I'd make money because such a big company was bound to sell thousands. But the big publisher did minimal marketing and low royalties meant that two years of work for two books barely earned me enough to pay a month's rent.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results... So this summer I published The Hen Party under my own brand Little Cactus. To date the book has sold more in three months than my traditionally published books did in a year. 

The experience proved to me what I could achieve if I invested time and money into not only creating a good book, but into advertising and promotion. A number of local publications featured the The Hen Party and although it's difficult to get reviews, the ones so far have been very positive. I have to thank all my readers who trust I can write and couldn't care less who publishes my books!

Knowing I could succeed independently made me desperate to recuperate my rights for my other novels, The Temp and #PleaseRetweet, and relaunch them with better covers, and in the case of The Temp, with the original title Spray Painted Bananas, which was so successful on Wattpad.  

For a time it looked like the publisher weren't going to give me my rights back. As long as the books made 100 pounds a year they could keep them. Rarely have I felt so furious. I would find myself awake in the early hours composing angry emails. How dare they prevent me from earning a living from books that I had worked so hard on?

That rage has since passed. I said what needed to be said. Next April, I'll get my rights back for both novels and I will release them with new branding and covers that more faithfully reflect my style of writing and myself as an author.

It has been a period of limbo... but I'm finally coming out the other side. I could write a letter to my younger self advising her not to be blinded by the traditional dream, but in the end I know I would do it all again, because my dream was so strong.  

If I don't make The Sunday Times Bestseller list, win a literary award, or have my books in Waterstones, then so be it. What matters to me now has become quite simple. I want to write great books which satisfy my readers, earn a decent wage for my work and enjoy the creative process from beginning to end. 

  

Hello Writer's Block...

This is writer's block for me: it's when your ideas turn to sand and slip through your fingers over and over again. When you can't sustain a story for longer than a few pages before you get bored of it.  When this new reality makes your fingers freeze above the keyboard and a voice in your head whispers that you may never complete another book again.

I feel an urge to hide under the covers or walk until I can't walk any more. There are a couple of books I am tempted to write but they are so entwined in reality that I don't know if I have the heart to write them. Writing has to be fun. I need to enjoy myself or I won't make it to 100,000 words.

Professional writers turn up to their desks every day and write even if they write rubbish. As the saying goes, you can't edit a blank page. After two years without writing a single short story, I've started again. I even entered a 100-word short story competition the other day. I don't think you can get much shorter than that. It's an ongoing competition that's open to everyone.

It's very frustrating not having a project to work on but I have to trust the big idea will hit me in the face any minute now! If it doesn't, I'll go nuts!

I'm back in Mallorca. My brother is home and the doctor is confident the radiotherapy has been successful. He has been feeling pretty sick but hopefully he's over the worst. His journey has been pretty epic. I tell him it would make a great film. It has all the ingredients. Unexpected challenges and pain, unexpected love and joy. You can write it, he tells me. But even if I fictionalised the hell out of it, I don't know if I could...  

If you want to get in touch, you can find me Facebook/EmilyBenetAuthor. I'd love to hear from you!

Writing vs Running - #PalmaMarathon

There are definitely parallels between running long distance and writing a novel. For starters, I never feel like doing either. Not at first, anyway.

Once I start though, I'm pleasantly surprised by the initial flow. 

This is amazing! I think. Why didn't I start sooner?

Five kilometres later, or 50 written pages, it's another story.  

What on earth was I thinking? This isn't fun at all!  

And after I've pushed through the pain barrier and I've found my rhythm:

This feels so natural! I could do this forever! I was born to do this!

And a little later:

I can't go on! I'm getting a cab back!  

Then finally the elation of reaching the goal:

I did it! I feel amazing! I'm going to do this every day!

Sound familiar?

At the moment I'm actually really enjoying writing my new novel. Running however, is proving more challenging. The Palma half marathon, (21 km), is in less than three weeks and I need to up my game. I only run once a week, and although 14 km certainly feels a lot, I should be running more regularly.

The other day I was feeling like pulling out when I received a donation in my inbox. I'd only made a tentative announcement I would be donating any money raised to ProActiva Open Arms so it was quite a lovely surprise. It also means I can't quit now!

You probably haven't heard of them. ProActiva Open Arms is a charity made up of coastguards from Barcelona, who were so horrified by the amount of refugees drowning in the Mediterranean, they headed over to Greece to help. While governments talked, these guys got practical. Their facebook updates reveal how hard they are working and how many lives they save each day. I know there are so many charities needing our help, but I'd love to be able to raise 100 95 euros for this inspiring crew of people!  

Every little helps, really. The race is on 16th October. Thank you so much for reading!

Can't Blog - 10 Reasons Why

I tweeted that I had Bloggers Block, basically giving myself an excuse not to write for some time. Instead a motivational writer called Allison Tait on Twitter suggested I blog about it.

@EmilyBenet Write about it! 😀

— Allison Tait (@altait) January 26, 2016

Here goes what I would have blogged about, why I didn't blog and everything in between:  

1. WHY BOTHER?

This month I read a brilliant book called THE HUMANS by Matt Haig. It was about a superior alien being who comes to earth and inhabits a human's body. He learns about the essence of humanity and the value in being human despite being mortal. I was enthralled and also felt like it had a really important message. I considered blogging about it but then I thought of all the book bloggers out there and suddenly couldn't be bothered...

2. WHAT WOULD I DO NEXT?

The Humans is a great story and has a poignant message. But it was a relief to listen to writer, Colm Toibin on Desert Island Discs. He said writers shouldn't get caught up in meaning but what happens next. What happens next with my blog? is a question that has been stopping me blogging.  

3. MY EYES HURTS

I'm writing episodes for a digital story app which involves working online and always on a screen. Bye bye pen and paper, I even have an Instagram account for these fictional characters! Even when I do have spare time to blog, I can't face being on the screen. Parents used to say: if you sit in front of that screen any longer you'll get square eyes! I feel this warning is more relevant than ever.

4. NETFLIX...

I'm watching a really entertaining series called Sense 8 on Netflix about 8 people who live in different parts of the world, who are connected by their senses and slip into each other's lives, sometimes inhabiting their bodies to help them get out of sticky situations. I don't know what's going on, but it's more entertaining than writing a blog post...

5. MONEY... POWER....? MEH.

I feel less ambitious than I used to be. I'm proud of my last novel #PleaseRetweet but I also realise as a small fish it's very hard to get a book to a large audience.  I guess the disappointment has been interfering with my desire to blog.  On the other hand I'm finally getting paid for other types of writing (see point 4) and that's very exciting. Deep down I'm relieved that I no longer feel writing novels is the most important thing in my life. Success isn't about money or fame. Success is the freedom to have a BBQ on a Tuesday because the sun is shining and you feel like it.  

6. MORTALITY (and wine)

Death has put me off blogging. I'm still coming to terms with losing my father in law. I get sad and have a glass of wine instead of writing a blog because what I want to write is too personal. 

7. DITTO 6

There's a friend I love very much who isn't well. It's difficult to write when you're carrying a lead weight in your stomach. Again, it's too personal and should be kept in a diary not a blog.  

8.  NO SENSE OF URGENCY

To deal with the uncertainties of life I keep telling myself to LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. Unfortunately this command is not followed by NOW WRITE A BLOG!  It's like I've lost a sense of urgency because blogging isn't as important as savouring the moment, something like that...  

9. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

I love life in Mallorca. Moving here was the best thing I  ever did. The sun shines, the culture inspires and I have more friends than I've ever had in my life. But who wants to read a smug blog post about that? I've been very lucky to be born in a rich part of the world where moving to improve the quality of life doesn't involve perilous boat journeys and paying off bandits. All I can say is if you're lucky too, don't be afraid to move countries if you feel a pull to do so. Life is short (see point 6 and 7). Take the bull by the horns!

10. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THINK

Don't take the bull by the horns literally. I don't support bull fighting. I can understand why people do because nothing is black or white. But if endless Facebook videos have proved anything, it's that animals experience great joy, which means they obviously experience great stress and pain. I feel like as a blogger I should have lots of strong opinions. Strong opinions invite strong reactions however, and I didn't become a blogger to argue with people all day, especially as people rarely change their minds about anything! I'd prefer an uplifting blog... I just need to work out what that involves.

Despite being blocked, I've written a blog. Thank you @altait. Evidently part of the solution to creative blockage is having supportive people around you!

Any bloggers out there who want to share how they get over their blogging humps? 

Restless Writer Posts Attention Seeking Blog

I'm restless. Unbearably so. My upcoming novel #PleaseRetweet is coming out next month with HarperCollins and its book cover has yet to be decided. I'm hoping next week I'll have two options to share with you. Will you help me choose the winner? 

I'm SO excited about its release, even though I've done sod all publicity (hard to do publicity without an image!). I'm just praying that word of mouth helps it climb the book charts. Your mouth would be nice. I like your mouth. 

While I'm jumping up and down in anticipation of #PleaseRetweet's release, I've been working on my new novel The Hen Party. Trouble is the characters are doing my head in. If you've ever been a bridesmaid and had to organise a hen party, then you'll know why. Too many overexcited voices mixed with too much booze. Fictional booze that is. 

I don't go along with Hemingways' philosophy Write Drunk, Edit Sober - I expect he would've had a lot less editing to do if he'd ignored his own advice and written sober. 

My agent is reading a section of The Hen Party at the moment so perhaps next week she'll have some book-saving advice for me - no pressure Laura!

Thank God for my reporting job with SeeMallorca. It's the only thing keeping me focused. It's a very dangerous occupation you know. 

On Monday I reviewed the cycling holiday operator Mills and Honey and road a bike for three hours in 36 degree heat. It was like being blasted by a gigantic hairdryer. 

The route was peaceful, the landscape heavenly. Eventually I had to stop after a not too shabby 35km, because I mistook a sheep for a cow and I felt like I might be about to vomit. 

Don't let me put you off. I hadn't cycled in 5 years and the muscles in my thighs are made from tissue paper.  

I recovered quickly from my cycling escapade. We reporters must be resilient. I had a pressing date with Palma's new San Juan Gastronomic Market. Another dangerous assignment. 

I almost died from deliciousness. "DD". Yes, it's a thing.  

Do I sound on edge? I feel on edge. I just can't wait any longer. I want my book to come out! I want you to read it!

Did I mention you can help me choose the cover? 

Come over to my Facebook Author Page and help me avoid another a disaster! 

*Nervous laughter* 

It can't be long now...

The moment you finish your novel...

And my blog makes it into 2015! Phew! 

Last night I was editing my new novel until midnight. Wide awake at 4.45 am, I decided I may as well get up and finish it off. I took this video to capture the moment:

The new book is called #PleaseRetweet and it's about a young woman (May Sparks) who takes on the job of looking after celebrities' social media profiles. In her words: 

"My job is to show the world the best side of a person. I'm specifically talking about the kind of person who given half a chance(or half a drink), will show the world their worst side. C and D list celebrities mainly; the loose cannons of the group. The ones who lash out, fall apart, reveal their prejudices at the slightest provocation and spew their guts across the Twittersphere." 

Fingers crossed Harper Collins like it! 

In other news, a box of copies of The Temp have arrived at my parents' chandelier shop in time for the launch next week. I'm looking forward to getting behind the till and signing some books! Maybe even some chandeliers? ... can you sign chandeliers?

I'll be on the radio this Saturday 17th January talking to Claire Hickson (@musicnostalgic) of Meridian FM about The Temp and I'll be choosing music for Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Blue. 

Tune in from 10am - 12am on meridianfm.com and there's a tunein app if you have slow broadband. 

Well, that's as far as I've got this 2015... I'm off to plan my blog calendar! (What was it you wanted me to blog about again?)

A Day Out at Harper Collins

You'll never guess where I was on Friday... 

Yes, Harper Collins. The Security was surprisingly lax. I slipped into the Harper Impulse party without a problem. Next minute I was being offered cupcakes and champagne as if I was one of their authors... oh wait. Let me just pinch myself. 

Did you know Harper Collins have their own water bottles? 

"You didn't take one?" My husband asked, disappointed. 

No. I'm classy like that. I didn't take home a traffic bollard either. I regret it now. The water bottle not the bollard. 

Coming from North London I thought Hammersmith was a bit of a mission but then I heard the distance the other authors had travelled. Hereford, Blackpool, Northumberland and San Fransisco were just some of the places they'd come from! 

After a workshop with Sunil Singhvi, Head of Entertainment for Twitter UK, Harper Impulse talked about their vision for the future and then it was off to the pub. It was there that I had an impromptu meeting with the editors about the editorial notes they'd given me on my novel. 

"When do you want it by?" I asked. 

"Four weeks?" 

"Done." 

Now I'm thinking it was the wine talking.

There wasn't enough time to meet everyone which was a shame, but the authors I did meet were the kind of people I wish I could hang out with more often. One by one they departed wheeling their bags off to train stations. Being so close to home, I felt it only right to stay till the very end. 

Photo by author Wendy Jones

Now the party is over and the tricky editing process must begin! 4 weeks to go... 

READY, STEADY... ... cup of tea? 

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My First Publishing Lunch with Harper Impulse

Fiona and me feeling happy post lunch!

It was a pinch yourself moment walking into the offices of Harper Collins. I had just met up with my agent, Fiona Barrows, and we were now in reception waiting to meet Harper Impulse editors Kimberley Young, Charlotte Ledger, and the intern who had originally picked up my submission and got excited about it, Marine Debray. My default state on a normal day is of nervous excitement, so I had to keep reminding myself to keep my feet on the floor. 

They say authors don't get taken out for lunch these days, but I'm living proof it can still happen! It wasn't boozy as everyone had to get back to work after, but I had a glass of wine because it seemed rude not to. 

The meal began with everyone saying they'd be 'good' then ordering fries on the side, which was a relief. I reckon you can trust women who eat chips. Later we all said 'no, no, no, actually yes please' to pudding. I'm not a sweet tooth but warm pecan pie with banana malt ice cream, anyone? The answer is always yes. 

It was a 'getting to know each other' lunch and I still don't know exactly how much work I have to do on Spray Painted Bananas. What I do know is that the title will probably change as they aren't keen on it. They think it doesn't say enough about the book. I was expecting to feel a strong reaction when they said that, but I didn't. Instead it occurred to me that if they changed the title, it would feel like I'd written a new novel! 

They're the experts in this field so I'm going to listen to their suggestions. They also emphasised it being a collaborative process and that they wouldn't do anything I'm not happy with. That'll matter a lot when they start showing me book covers! 

This lunch felt like a significant step in my career. I know like many steps in the past, it will soon feel normal, so I should savour it while I can. 

My husband, a firm believer in celebrating important moments, bought me a beautiful leather Huber and Lerner notebook. Luckily I can slide my own paper in it so it won't run out within the month, because I've a lot of writing ahead of me. In fact, that's probably enough savouring for now, I've got two novels to hand in this year and it's already April!

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The Lovely Rejection Letter

You never hear people say, "I got fired, but it was a really enjoyable firing," or, "I didn't get the job, but they let me down so beautifully," or "he punched me in the face but it was alright because it was a rather nice punch." 

In the writing world however, there is such a thing as the 'lovely rejection letter'. Out of the rejection letter options they really are the bee's knees. If you've never got one before, you've missed out. They really are a giggle. 

Dear Writer (insert name) 
I really enjoyed your book. 

 Oh my god... 

I loved your voice... 

I can't believe I finally found it! 

The characters are so well drawn. 

 Show not tell, they said, show not tell! 

The story really grabbed me. 

Oh my god! My smile is so big it's actually hurting! 

I think it will do really well. 

This is it! I can't believe it! I'm going to get published! All those early mornings, all those late nights, all those sacrifices I made have finally paid off!  

However... 

Wait. What? 

We feel the book isn't for us. 

But... but you just wrote you liked everything about it.... I don't understand. 

Don't worry, once you've stopped bawling your eyes out, I'm sure you'll find the classic lovely rejection letter rather entertaining. 

Or maybe you won't. Everyone deals with rejection letters differently. Some writers like to keep them so that one day, when they sign their million pound book deal they can look back and laugh. 

As for me I haven't decided whether they are worth keeping or not. I don't think standard rejections letters are. You know the ones where they write your name in biro to make it look more personal. I once burnt one of those in the sink. What can I say? It was at least two years ago. I was young! 

What about you? Do you keep them or do you fold them into paper aeroplanes and launch them out of your window?

MY MONTHLY NEWSLETTER

The Weird & Worrying: Writers' Browsing Histories

I was googling the value of cocaine the other day when it struck me it wouldn't look very good if a police officer stumbled across my browsing history. It was only research for my novel (I'm about as gangsta as Mary Poppins), but my next questions, 'Do police need a warrant to search your storage facility?' and 'Reasons why sniffer dogs retire' would hardly have put them at ease.

Still, I bet my searches are very tame compared to those of crime writers. After all I've also asked google, 'How old is pocahontas?' 'How much is a small piñata?' and um, examples of 'men with big curly hair'. 

Curious to know what was in other writers' browsing histories, I put the question to Twitter. Here's what they said. I'll leave it to you to guess the genre and possible plot of their works of FICTION* (*I hope, anyway).

@EmilyBenet Obituaries.
— Fiona Mitchell (@FionaMoMitchell) January 11, 2014

@EmilyBenet The effective range of a hunting rifle.
— Lindsay Bamfield (@LindsayBamfield) January 11, 2014

@EmilyBenet 'flies and free will' was on my work computer. Can't remember why.
— Julie McDowall (@ariel_mcdowall) January 11, 2014

@EmilyBenet serial killers... which freaks my partner out when he comes home late & wierd stuff pops up in google ads.
— Viccy Adams (@ViccyIsWriting) January 11, 2014

@EmilyBenet For my novel, Queen of the World, I googled the jetstream, macaws, Suzi Quatro, biodegradable paint & when Crossroads was on.
— Sal Page (@SalnPage) January 11, 2014

@EmilyBenet Erm, research-related? How about 'top london landmark suicide spots - Google search' FYI I didn't find what I was looking for!
— HJ Hampson (@heatherjhampson) January 12, 2014

@EmilyBenet Stalkers, texting and mobile phones! (For a short story though)
— Jan Baynham (@JanBayLit) January 11, 2014

@EmilyBenet Numerology, eco houses, and types of tree, apparently! Not quite sure what story that's all adding up to...
— Emily Wells (@Techpoet_org) January 11, 2014

@EmilyBenet @Isabelwriter *chloroform doses teenage girl**chloroform burns**chloroform administration* Themes are important, I find.
— Lucy Inglis (@lucyinglis) January 11, 2014

@EmilyBenet I've researched poisons...especially ones that are undetected or common items. Also torture. But it's common for crime writers?
— Viviana (@viviloana) January 11, 2014

@TamsynTweetie @EmilyBenet how long it takes to die from a severed hand, whether quick lime dissolves bodies & sentence for manslaughter!
— CL Taylor (@callytaylor) January 11, 2014

What about you? What's ended up in your browsing history in the name of research? 

The Fine Art of Procrastination

You think you've got the art of procrastination down to a T do you?

I'm not saying you can't do it. You're reading my blog when you should be doing some work, potential you've obviously got. But I bet there are some areas you can improve.

Hot Drinks

Do you waste time preparing endless hot drinks and urinating? This is a question from a survey in a writers magazine. The preparation of tea and coffee is a classic procrastination technique but I wonder if you're pushing it to its limits. If you're drinking instant coffee then I'm afraid the answer is NO. Not only is instant coffee not real coffee (I have a Colombian husband, I know this stuff), but more problematically it is far too quick to make, making it a less than satisfactory method of procrastination.

Originally my husband bought that fancy little coffee maker, the one George Clooney proclaims to love so much, and we ordered capsules every month. Life was easy. Coffee was delicious.

But alas life was too easy and the coffee, though delicious, was not taking long enough to prepare.

Since those carefree days, we have made some changes to ensure making coffee takes up more of our time. Here are some steps worth taking if you want procrastinating to taste better and last for longer.

1. Buy George Clooney Coffee Maker or equivalent

2. Buy ground coffee
3. Buy a manual grinder (Warning: An electric one will be too quick)

4. Source empty coffee capsules compatible with coffee machine

5. Buy a special spoon that clips onto capsule to aid filling up capsule

6. Grind coffee

7. Scoop up coffee with special spoon

8. Clear up spilled coffee powder

9. Put sticker over capsule

10. Stick in coffee machine and press start

11. If coffee doesn't come out adjust coffee capsule as replacement capsule might not fit as well as capsules especially designed for your machine

12. Warm up milk in electric milk warmer (though faster than boiling on stove it is infinitely more stylish)

13. Pour in milk

14. Wash milk warmer at once to avoid sticking

15. Serve

Total Time: 20mins or 3-4 days, depending if you have equipment.

Napping

If you are working from home you might be indulging in the odd nap. But napping in an already installed piece of furniture is not going to take up enough time. Furthermore napping in a bed or a sofa lacks a certain je ne sais quois. For a superior napping experience I suggest you do the following.

1. Go to a Latin American country

2. Buy a hammock

3. Return home

4. Go to Homebase or equivalent

5. Buy massive screws

6. Screw screws into any available wall or tree

7. Hang Hammock

8. Prepare coffee as suggested above

9. Nap in hammock

Total Time: 1 week

Great Hammock Shopping in Raquira, Colombia

Nails

A nail file on your desk is a very good idea since you can't type and file nails at the same time. However filing your nails by yourself will never take as long as getting someone else to do them. You may be aware that The Guardian recently reported that some nail salons are fronts for illegal activity. Readers commented that they would now stop going to get their nails done. What a great bloody help to bona fide nail salons that's going to be! To help reputable nail salons from losing business and to make procrastination a more beautiful experience, here are some lengthy steps.

1. Learn Vietnamese (handy for eavesdropping)

2. Arrive at nail salon early

3. Read magazine

4. Dawdle over choosing nail colour

5. Get nails done

6. Say Yes to a coffee (Optional: In Vietnamese tell them you grind your own coffee these days)

7. Walk home

8. Make a coffee to recover from trip

9. Nap in hammock to recover from grinding coffee beans

Total Time: A few years depending on how quick you pick up languages

Bona Fide Nail Salon

Top Tip: The Vietnamese word for coffee grinder is máy xay cà phê *

(*according to Google translate)

I like to think these tips have been useful. However, you should probably get back to work now...