Emily Benet

Friday, 23 August 2013

The Fine Art of Procrastination

You think you've got the art of procrastination down to a T do you?

I'm not saying you can't do it. You're reading my blog when you should be doing some work, potential you've obviously got. But I bet there are some areas you can improve.

Hot Drinks

Do you waste time preparing endless hot drinks and urinating? This is a question from a survey in a writers magazine. The preparation of tea and coffee is a classic procrastination technique but I wonder if you're pushing it to its limits. If you're drinking instant coffee then I'm afraid the answer is NO. Not only is instant coffee not real coffee (I have a Colombian husband, I know this stuff), but more problematically it is far too quick to make, making it a less than satisfactory method of procrastination.

Originally my husband bought that fancy little coffee maker, the one George Clooney proclaims to love so much, and we ordered capsules every month. Life was easy. Coffee was delicious.

But alas life was too easy and the coffee, though delicious, was not taking long enough to prepare.

Since those carefree days, we have made some changes to ensure making coffee takes up more of our time. Here are some steps worth taking if you want procrastinating to taste better and last for longer.

1. Buy George Clooney Coffee Maker or equivalent

2. Buy ground coffee
3. Buy a manual grinder (Warning: An electric one will be too quick)

4. Source empty coffee capsules compatible with coffee machine

5. Buy a special spoon that clips onto capsule to aid filling up capsule

6. Grind coffee

7. Scoop up coffee with special spoon

8. Clear up spilled coffee powder

9. Put sticker over capsule

10. Stick in coffee machine and press start

11. If coffee doesn't come out adjust coffee capsule as replacement capsule might not fit as well as capsules especially designed for your machine

12. Warm up milk in electric milk warmer (though faster than boiling on stove it is infinitely more stylish)

13. Pour in milk

14. Wash milk warmer at once to avoid sticking

15. Serve

Total Time: 20mins or 3-4 days, depending if you have equipment.

Napping

If you are working from home you might be indulging in the odd nap. But napping in an already installed piece of furniture is not going to take up enough time. Furthermore napping in a bed or a sofa lacks a certain je ne sais quois. For a superior napping experience I suggest you do the following.

1. Go to a Latin American country

2. Buy a hammock

3. Return home

4. Go to Homebase or equivalent

5. Buy massive screws

6. Screw screws into any available wall or tree

7. Hang Hammock

8. Prepare coffee as suggested above

9. Nap in hammock

Total Time: 1 week

Great Hammock Shopping in Raquira, Colombia

Nails

A nail file on your desk is a very good idea since you can't type and file nails at the same time. However filing your nails by yourself will never take as long as getting someone else to do them. You may be aware that The Guardian recently reported that some nail salons are fronts for illegal activity. Readers commented that they would now stop going to get their nails done. What a great bloody help to bona fide nail salons that's going to be! To help reputable nail salons from losing business and to make procrastination a more beautiful experience, here are some lengthy steps.

1. Learn Vietnamese (handy for eavesdropping)

2. Arrive at nail salon early

3. Read magazine

4. Dawdle over choosing nail colour

5. Get nails done

6. Say Yes to a coffee (Optional: In Vietnamese tell them you grind your own coffee these days)

7. Walk home

8. Make a coffee to recover from trip

9. Nap in hammock to recover from grinding coffee beans

Total Time: A few years depending on how quick you pick up languages

Bona Fide Nail Salon

Top Tip: The Vietnamese word for coffee grinder is máy xay cà phê *

(*according to Google translate)

I like to think these tips have been useful. However, you should probably get back to work now...

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Do you need to feel funny to write funny?

I'm writing a new novel at the moment but I'm not happy with its tone. I want to have a giggle while I write it like I did with Spray Painted Bananas but instead I'm grimacing and hitting delete.

I keep wondering, do you have to feel funny to write funny?

The Minions help, but only for a while, and then I'm back frowning at my computer again.

Little Prince Minion

I consider banning myself from Twitter, because barely a second passes that I don't pick up on some depressing news. I mean what sort of insane world do we live in where women are still having their genitals mutilated for cultural reasons? Where people are still killing each other in the name of God? It makes me want to cry, not belly laugh.

But it's also the reason I want to write books that offer relief from it all!

Yesterday I watched The Heist, a light comedy starring Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken, William H Macy as three security guards who decide to steal their favourite pictures from the gallery where they work to prevent them being sold off to a museum in Denmark. There were holes in the plot and it wasn't particularly original, but I did laugh. And what made me laugh was the detail in the characterisation, the portrayal of the external and internal life of the characters.

Their lives were unremarkable and yet absurd. The interaction between them was ridiculous but still believable. I sensed the writer had had a laugh inventing their quirks and habits and knew more about them than what was ever written into the script, or included in the last edit.

While I've been working a lot on plot I haven't paid enough attention to my characters and they are what bring a novel to life. It's the decisions that they make that move the story along, that give rise to absurd situations and opportunities for laughter.

I have a suspicion that what I need to do is put my full attention on my work, rather than half on my work and half on the disasters going on around the world. I also suspect that if I relax and stop trying to force the words and start enjoying myself then I've got a greater chance of writing an entertaining novel. Perhaps you don't have to start off in a funny mood to write funny, but you have to be open to the right mood coming along.

If all fails there are always the Minions...

Monday, 8 July 2013

6 Things To Do While Waiting for News

Just to be clear, I'm not waiting for news. From anybody. But if I were waiting for news, say from publishers, or not from publishers, from anyone really, then these are some things I might channel my restless energy into, if I had any restless energy, which I don't. Obviously if I were waiting to hear from publishers, the sensible thing would be just to get on with my next novel, which I am, I mean, I would be, if I were waiting, which I'm not.

Organise tights into freezer bags - Once a no-go area, my tight drawer is now a tourist attraction.

'Beatrice'

Learn to Make Bread - Ideal if your local Londis closes for refurbishments. They say you shouldn't name your food, but if I were to make bread, I'd probably give every loaf a name beginning with 'B'.

Grow a Tomato - Just one will do. Play 'spot the tomato' with friends and family.

Listen to Inappropriate Music while Exercising - What's the rush? Jog so slowly you're virtually running backwards while listening to the steady rhythm of 'The Final Judgement' (El Juicio Final) by Lucho Beltran.

(Lyrics) 'No one is anyone on this earth, Because this earth isn't ours. We're here for a long time, then we die and others are born...' Yeah, feel that stretch!

Listen to The Final Judgement

Put Your Face in a Letter - Getgimp.com is a free, easy to learn version of Photoshop. Great for making blog headers... maybe, I've never tried.

Meditate - Spend 20 minutes each morning accepting and detaching yourself from your repetitive thoughts.

"Every thought pretends it matters so much. It wants to draw your attention in completely. Here is a new spiritual practice for you: don't take your thoughts too seriously," - Ekhart Tolle

Anyway, just a few things I might do if I were waiting for news, which I'm not. If I were I'd have photographic evidence, wouldn't I?

***

For more regular updates join me at Facebook.com/EmilyBenetAuthor

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Blogging Towards Publication - My Article in Litro Magazine

"Whatever it is you think you should be blogging about, forget it. Successful creative bloggers don't set up their blog based on what they think will get them a million followers, a publishing deal and an award for Best Blog of the Year. Successful bloggers start their blogs motivated by a passion for their subject, a passion that sustains their blog and keeps them developing new ideas for it over the years to come."

Read my full article in Litro Magazine.

UPCOMING WORKSHOP: Blogging for Beginners and Improvers

Saturday 13th July 10.30am - 2.30pm (including 30min break)
@ 77 Tower Bridge Road, SE1 4TW
Fee: £40.00 Limited Places.

This intensive workshop is packed with tips about how to make the most of your blog, how to promote it, gain a readership, keep it interesting and also, importantly, what to avoid. If you’ve been meaning to start a blog for a long time, why put it off any longer? Come along for a friendly, fun and informative workshop.

For more information visit my Social Media Workshops Page.

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Five Years of Blogging!

There have been highs and lows!

It's official! I've been blogging for 5 years! Happy Anniversary to me! And since everything is speeded up on social media I'm sure 5 years counts as a golden anniversary, perhaps even a diamond...

If you've only just joined in, let me tell you how it began. It was June 2008, a time when you needed to know html to convert an ordinary little word into a hyperlink. I was on a date with a dark, handsome stranger at the Gourmet Pizza Company on the Southbank.

I told him I was thinking about starting a blog about working in my Mum's chandelier shop. He, being an enthusiastic sort of bloke, assured me it was a great idea. A week later I wrote my first post. The rest is history. Well it would be if someone added it to Wikipedia.

There have been highs and lows on this blogging journey and I thought I'd share five of the most memorable.

5th - SHOP GIRL BLOGGED OFF

When I wrote this post I was so fed up. I was worried I'd never ever get published and that I'd spend the rest of my life fending off barterers in my Mum's shop. I had no idea that a month later Salt Publishing would ask me to turn my blog into a book. If you are a writer and you feel like I did in this post, don't give up! You never know when your hard work will pay off.

"I won’t be a famous novelist because I’ll be delivering a light fitting. We won’t charge for the delivery since we just want the customer to love us and not go to John Lewis. The customer won’t offer to pay for the delivery because they assume that’s what little shop people do on a Saturday night..."

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

A Flawed Character

Photo by Thinkstock

A character in a novel needs a few flaws or they aren't very realistic.

So I mock one up. Give them a face. Maybe a couple of arms. Legs. A bit of hair. Perhaps a beard. Then I sit them down on a chaise longue and I ask them: What is wrong with you?

Are you too bossy? Do you have a phobia? Do you eat with your mouth open? Do you have a messed up relationship with a relative? Do you steal from the pic n' mix counter at the cinema? Don't tell me you talk at the cinema because I'll have to kill you off before your debut... Are you unreliable? Jealous? Do you wish you were someone else?

Of course, if writing guidebooks are anything to go by, there's only one question worth asking: WHAT IS IN YOUR POCKET?

Nope? You've never done that little exercise?

I don't know what's in my own pocket let alone theirs. Fluff probably. And a hair band. Very telling. Yes, I have long hair! Now you know everything there is to know about me.

It's ironic that while I'm inventing flaws for my fictional characters, I'm wishing I could erase them entirely from my own character. I ignore the fact that if I didn't have any flaws, I wouldn't be realistic. Perhaps I wouldn't be real even. I would vanish from the face of the earth and THE GREAT WRITER would appear with one of those pencils with the little pink rubber at the end, the rubber visibly used, and say, 'Sorry, I had to edit you out, you weren't very believable'.

Last Saturday was a boozy affair where everything was just wonderful, until it wasn't. I don't know. I got excited. Lost my will power in the garden somewhere. Maybe it fell through the grill along with a barbequed sausage. The result was, I woke up with a hangover, and was overcome with self-loathing. I couldn't understand how it had happened. How come my character, who had been through so much, could still act like she was a teenager? Hadn't she learnt ANYTHING?

It's frustrating being a human being sometimes...

And repetitive too as the same old thoughts kick in: How I'm never going to drink ever again in my life. Or at least a month. A couple of weeks? Okay, I'll give up drinking forever but I might have to take up something else instead. Then again smoking has got to be worse than drinking, hasn't it? No I know, I'll never go out. If I don't go out I won't be tempted. I'll be a hermit. Yes, I'll be a hermit. But then my husband might get bored of me and leave me. Oh, but he probably should because I'm an idiot anyway... Why don't I ever remember to drink water? Never. Again. I'm going to start my whole life over. Maybe I should have a baby. I'll definitely be more responsible if I have a baby. I won't be able to drink either. Oh shut up, I'm NOT going to have a baby just to make myself feel better about myself. You complete idiot. I'll have to drink lime and tonic at parties, say I'm on antibiotics... whatever happens I'm never getting drunk EVER AGAIN.

Real enough? Frustratingly so.

Obviously this morning I've been a model character. I meditated and I went for a long walk and I decided to give up alcohol for a month. I WILL be the character I want to be, I think to myself. And yet, although I'll make every effort, I sense THE GREAT WRITER is laughing at me. I've missed something important. I'll be a perfect character for a short while, but never forever.

Perhaps I need to have better look in my pocket. Perhaps there is a secret in there after all.

A View from this Morning's Walk

Monday, 3 June 2013

The Accidental Cook

What surprised me most about the horse meat scandal was how surprised everyone was about the horse meat scandal. If a burger costs 50p then I naturally assume it's made of rat, pigeon, or stray cat. To be able to sell a product so cheap, costs must be kept to a minimum. Either the quality of the meat must be low or the animals must have had a poor quality of life (and death). Probably both.

It's doubtful I'll ever become a vegetarian. At the same time I don't want to eat a creature that has been born and bred in a cramped cage, suffered a brief and miserable existence just so I can buy it cheaply. I think a lot of people would feel the same if they followed their budget burger up the chain to where it all began. It's so easy when buying a neat little package of neatly cut meat to disconnect from its origin.

In the city, I often feel disconnected, be it from a sense of community or from nature. The other day, I decided to buy from the local butcher instead of going to a supermarket. I was born and bred in an independent shop, and know how important each sale is for a small business. It felt a lot like stepping into my own shop even though the meat wasn't as sparkly as our chandeliers. But the atmosphere was the same.

There was the butcher chatting to a regular customer and no one seemed in a rush. I asked for burgers because I was having a barbeque that evening.

"I've only got frozen burgers," the butcher said.

Damn. I'd had this idea about going to a local butcher to buy fresh, non processed meat.

"You can make them yourself," the regular customer said. "It's dead easy."

Of course he didn't know me. He didn't realise I'm not the cooking kind of girl. I throw things together and hope for the best. I'm baffled by those people that are forever baking cakes. Sounds like a second job to me.

I bit my lip and dithered. I didn't want to leave empty handed.

What if it was dead easy?

"Alright... what do I have to do?" I asked, expecting the worst.

Following a friendly chat, I left with a bag of mince meat and the distinct feeling that my trip hadn't gone as planned. By now I was supposed to have some delicious organic burgers, not just the ingredients to make them.

Suddenly I had to do something in the kitchen that I'd never done before. I had to grate an onion.

Have you ever grated an onion before?

I couldn't believe it had never occurred to me to grate an onion. And then I whisked an egg, and added some mustard, and chopped some coriander that I'd bought in a fit of enthusiasm, and was now wilting on the window sill.

Soon enough I had made some burgers. Dead easy, like he said.

Differing Sizes for Authentic Organic Feel!

Glowing with pride, I texted my husband a picture and the message: Who AM I?

He replied: My wife

Now, some of you must be thinking BIG DEAL, you made burgers, get over yourself. But the big deal is this: you can go through life thinking you're not that sort of person, or you can't do that sort of thing, but maybe you can, and like me, you just hadn't tried it before.

Small but Happy

The following weekend we went for a barbeque with some friends. Their garden is an inspiration with so much variety of herbs and vegetables in different stages of growth. If you've been following my blog long enough, you might have already read about my troubled attempts to grow vegetables. I waited for carrots for over a year and when I pulled them out they were small enough to fit between your teeth.

But I don't fancy being a failed vegetable grower anymore, so I'm going to try again. I might have to wait till 2016 to grow a decent carrot, but by then I'm bound to be a better cook, right?

So... Carrot burger anyone?