Thursday, 29 August 2013

Emily and the Beanstalk

Mini Me - Luckily I loved writing and reading

Things have suddenly got a lot more serious.

Previously, I wrote a blog post about activities I was doing to distract myself from waiting for news from publishers. These ranged from making bread to organising my tights into freezer bags. I also hinted at a new novel I was writing. If you're my agent reading this, I assure you, more writing has been produced than bread. Unfortunately both bread and writing have been of dubious quality.
 
As the unfamiliar limbo continued I began to think my world had become too small. All I did was write,  tea, wee, write. I needed to do more with my life.
 
Suddenly I found myself applying to become a volunteer for Beanstalk, a charity which works at improving literacy in primary schools. I say 'suddenly' which, not only is very bad writing according to Leonard Elmore's writing rules, but also a lie. I've been thinking of doing some charity work for a very long time.
 
Why literacy? Well, to be honest, I have my neighbours to thank for my choice. I can't stand them. They're dirty and inconsiderate, and if you happen to be my neighbour and reading this, then I obviously don't mean you, I mean the OTHER neighbours downstairs/upstairs. I have tried not to feel this way. But I do often dream of moving to a remote cave far away from human beings who spit with the enthusiasm of llamas.
 
And yet, I have to thank them. Because one day one of them left a note under our door, and I realised they could barely write. They had the literacy skills of a seven year old. And suddenly (sorry Leonard), I saw with a different perspective. How would my life be now if I couldn't read or write? What choices would I have? What would I be doing?
 
Personally, I believe kids should be coming out of schools knowing how to read without the help of volunteers. I mean, how can this country be called a first world country when free education is so bad? When some kids are going into school without shoes? That's certainly one reason why I might have stalled from volunteering before. I mean, it shouldn't be this bad! But the sad fact is that in some areas it can be. So instead of thinking too much about the 'shoulds', I thought I'd delve in and try to help. And I'm not trying to be a hero. I'm not even a particularly generous person, by any means. I obviously just want to minimise the risk of crap neighbours spreading across the nation.
 
I have yet to start the job. The charity might not even want me after reading this blog post, because they'll worry I won't be able to abide by the confidentiality rules! But of course I can and will. I won't say another word on the matter after this. I have done two training days, one entirely dedicated to child protection, which was heavy going, and made me realise how lucky I've been in my life. So, um, this post goes out to my parents for keeping me safe and putting so much effort into my education - thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Friday, 23 August 2013

The Fine Art of Procrastination

You think you've got the art of procrastination down to a T do you?
I'm not saying you can't do it. You're reading my blog when you should be doing some work, potential you've obviously got. But I bet there are some areas you can improve.
Hot Drinks
Do you waste time preparing endless hot drinks and urinating? This is a question from a survey in a writers magazine. The preparation of tea and coffee is a classic procrastination technique but I wonder if you're pushing it to its limits. If you're drinking instant coffee then I'm afraid the answer is NO. Not only is instant coffee not real coffee (I have a Colombian husband, I know this stuff), but more problematically it is far too quick to make, making it a less than satisfactory method of procrastination.
Originally my husband bought that fancy little coffee maker, the one George Clooney proclaims to love so much, and we ordered capsules every month. Life was easy. Coffee was delicious.

But alas life was too easy and the coffee, though delicious, was not taking long enough to prepare.

Since those carefree days, we have made some changes to ensure making coffee takes up more of our time. Here are some steps worth taking if you want procrastinating to taste better and last for longer.
1. Buy George Clooney Coffee Maker or equivalent
2. Buy ground coffee
3. Buy a manual grinder (Warning: An electric one will be too quick)
4. Source empty coffee capsules compatible with coffee machine
5. Buy a special spoon that clips onto capsule to aid filling up capsule
6. Grind coffee
7. Scoop up coffee with special spoon
8. Clear up spilled coffee powder
9. Put sticker over capsule
10. Stick in coffee machine and press start
11. If coffee doesn't come out adjust coffee capsule as replacement capsule might not fit as well as capsules especially designed for your machine
12. Warm up milk in electric milk warmer (though faster than boiling on stove it is infinitely more stylish)
13. Pour in milk
14. Wash milk warmer at once to avoid sticking
15. Serve
Total Time: 20mins or 3-4 days, depending if you have equipment.


Napping
If you are working from home you might be indulging in the odd nap. But napping in an already installed piece of furniture is not going to take up enough time. Furthermore napping in a bed or a sofa lacks a certain je ne sais quois. For a superior napping experience I suggest you do the following.
1. Go to a Latin American country
2. Buy a hammock
3. Return home
4. Go to Homebase or equivalent
5. Buy massive screws
6. Screw screws into any available wall or tree
7. Hang Hammock
8. Prepare coffee as suggested above
9. Nap in hammock
Total Time: 1 week

Great Hammock Shopping in Raquira, Colombia


Nails
A nail file on your desk is a very good idea since you can't type and file nails at the same time. However filing your nails by yourself will never take as long as getting someone else to do them. You may be aware that The Guardian recently reported that some nail salons are fronts for illegal activity. Readers commented that they would now stop going to get their nails done. What a great bloody help to bona fide nail salons that's going to be! To help reputable nail salons from losing business and to make procrastination a more beautiful experience, here are some lengthy steps.
1. Learn Vietnamese (handy for eavesdropping)
2. Arrive at nail salon early
3. Read magazine
4. Dawdle over choosing nail colour
5. Get nails done
6. Say Yes to a coffee (Optional: In Vietnamese tell them you grind your own coffee these days)
7. Walk home
8. Make a coffee to recover from trip
9. Nap in hammock to recover from grinding coffee beans
Total Time: A few years depending on how quick you pick up languages

Bona Fide Nail Salon


Top Tip: The Vietnamese word for coffee grinder is máy xay cà phê *
(*according to Google translate)




I like to think these tips have been useful. However, you should probably get back to work now...    

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Do you need to feel funny to write funny?


I'm writing a new novel at the moment but I'm not happy with  its tone. I want to have a giggle while I write it like I did with Spray Painted Bananas but instead I'm grimacing and hitting delete.
 
I keep wondering, do you have to feel funny to write funny?

The Minions help, but only for a while, and then I'm back frowning at my computer again.
 
Little Prince Minion
I consider banning myself from Twitter, because barely a second passes that I don't pick up on some depressing news. I mean what sort of insane world do we live in where women are still having their genitals mutilated for cultural reasons? Where people are still killing each other  in the name of God? It makes me want to cry, not belly laugh.  
 
But it's also the reason I want to write books that offer relief from it all!
 
Yesterday I watched The Heist, a light comedy starring Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken, William H Macy as three security guards who decide to steal their favourite pictures from the gallery where they work to prevent them being sold off to a museum in Denmark. There were holes in the plot and it wasn't particularly original, but I did laugh. And what made me laugh was the detail in the characterisation, the portrayal of the external and internal life of the characters.

Their lives were unremarkable and yet absurd. The interaction between them was ridiculous but still believable. I sensed the writer had had a laugh inventing their quirks and habits and knew more about them than what was ever written into the script, or included in the last edit.

While I've been working a lot on plot I haven't paid enough attention to my characters and they are what bring a novel to life. It's the decisions that they make that move the story along, that give rise to absurd situations and opportunities for laughter.   

I have a suspicion that what I need to do is put my full attention on my work, rather than half on my work and half on the disasters going on around the world. I also suspect that if I relax and stop trying to force the words and start enjoying myself then I've got a greater chance of writing an entertaining novel. Perhaps you don't have to start off in a funny mood to write funny, but you have to be open to the right mood coming along.

If all fails there are always the Minions... 
 
 
             

Monday, 8 July 2013

6 Things To Do While Waiting for News

 
Just to be clear, I'm not waiting for news. From anybody. But if I were waiting for news, say from publishers, or not from publishers, from anyone really, then these are some things I might channel my restless energy into, if I had any restless energy, which I don't. Obviously if I were waiting to hear from publishers, the sensible thing would be just to get on with my next novel, which I am, I mean, I would be, if I were waiting, which I'm not.  




Organise tights into freezer bags -  Once a no-go area, my tight drawer is now a tourist attraction.  



 
'Beatrice'

Learn to Make Bread - Ideal if your local Londis closes for refurbishments. They say you shouldn't name your food, but if I were to make bread, I'd probably give every loaf a name beginning with 'B'.   




Grow a Tomato - Just one will do. Play 'spot the tomato' with friends and family. 




Listen to Inappropriate Music while Exercising - What's the rush? Jog so slowly you're virtually running backwards while listening to the steady rhythm of 'The Final Judgement' (El Juicio Final) by Lucho Beltran.

(Lyrics) 'No one is anyone on this earth, Because this earth isn't ours. We're here for a long time, then we die and others are born...' Yeah, feel that stretch!

Listen to The Final Judgement
 


Put Your Face in a Letter - Getgimp.com is a free, easy to learn version of Photoshop. Great for making blog headers... maybe, I've never tried.  




Front Cover
Meditate - Spend 20 minutes each morning accepting and detaching yourself from your repetitive thoughts.

"Every thought pretends it matters so much. It wants to draw your attention in completely. Here is a new spiritual practice for you: don't take your thoughts too seriously," - Ekhart Tolle




Anyway, just a few things I might do if I were waiting for news, which I'm not. If I were I'd have photographic evidence, wouldn't I?  
 
***



For more regular updates join me at Facebook.com/EmilyBenetAuthor
 

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Blogging Towards Publication - My Article in Litro Magazine

 
"Whatever it is you think you should be blogging about, forget it. Successful creative bloggers don't set up their blog based on what they think will get them a million followers, a publishing deal and an award for Best Blog of the Year. Successful bloggers start their blogs motivated by a passion for their subject, a passion that sustains their blog and keeps them developing new ideas for it over the years to come."

Read my full article in Litro Magazine.


UPCOMING WORKSHOP: Blogging for Beginners and Improvers  

Saturday 13th July 10.30am - 2.30pm (including 30min break)
@ 77 Tower Bridge Road, SE1 4TW
Fee: £40.00 Limited Places.


This intensive workshop is packed with tips about how to make the most of your blog, how to promote it, gain a readership, keep it interesting and also, importantly, what to avoid. If you’ve been meaning to start a blog for a long time, why put it off any longer? Come along for a friendly, fun and informative workshop.


For more information visit my Social Media Workshops Page.

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Five Years of Blogging!

 
There have been highs and lows!
It's official! I've been blogging for 5 years! Happy Anniversary to me! And since everything is speeded up on social media I'm sure 5 years counts as a golden anniversary, perhaps even a diamond...
 
If you've only just joined in, let me tell you how it began. It was June 2008, a time when you needed to know html to convert an ordinary little word into a hyperlink. I was on a date with a dark, handsome stranger at the Gourmet Pizza Company on the Southbank.
 
I told him I was thinking about starting a blog about working in my Mum's chandelier shop. He, being an enthusiastic sort of bloke, assured me it was a great idea. A week later I wrote my first post. The rest is history. Well it would be if someone added it to Wikipedia.
 
There have been highs and lows on this blogging journey and I thought I'd share five of the most memorable. 
 
 
5th - SHOP GIRL BLOGGED OFF
 
When I wrote this post I was so fed up. I was worried I'd never ever get published and that I'd spend the rest of my life fending off barterers in my Mum's shop. I had no idea that a month later Salt Publishing would ask me to turn my blog into a book. If you are a writer and you feel like I did in this post, don't give up! You never know when your hard work will pay off. 
 

"I won’t be a famous novelist because I’ll be delivering a light fitting. We won’t charge for the delivery since we just want the customer to love us and not go to John Lewis. The customer won’t offer to pay for the delivery because they assume that’s what little shop people do on a Saturday night..."

 
4th - SHOP GIRL UNDER ATTACK
 
At Stoke Newington Literary Festival, I spoke on a panel about writing in the digital age. I think it's an exciting time to be a writer. Whether it's a blog to build up a readership, a podcast to share your stories, YouTube for a book trailer for the book you self-published, because perhaps publishers weren't prepared to take a risk on you, with hard work and creativity you can really make things happen.
 
Some writers complain that the internet has eroded the filters keeping the bad writing out. But why waste time criticising other people striving to make the digital world work for them? It takes guts to put your work 'out there'. Sharing my work has been key to my progress and success as a writer, but of course I've had my ego bashed along the way. Shop Girl Under Attack is a blog post about the first 'hate mail' I ever got. If you're going to use social media, you've got to develop a thick skin.
 
"On Easter Sunday I received a mail from someone in my facebook group.
A certain young Californian with a photoshop twinkle in his eye.
'Please get a life,' he wrote, 'because the one you’re writing about isn’t that interesting.'
Oh, I thought, taken aback.
My first hate mail hadn’t come at the best of times."
Read More.
 
 
3rd  - SHOP GIRL: TAKE 1, Camera, action!
 
My dream was always to become a novelist but when director Chloe Thomas asked me to write a script for a TV pilot based on my blog, I wasn't going to let the opportunity pass me by. Having a film crew in my shop and actors saying the lines I'd written was an incredible high. Although the pilot has not developed into a sitcom it remains a great moment in my blogging journey. I recommend saying 'yes' to every opportunity that comes your way and trust you'll learn as you go along!
 
“How much do you want this?” my brother had asked me, back in September.
“More than anything.”
And he’d rolled up his sleeves and launched into a speech on how to promote my blog."
Read More.

 
2ND - THE BIG ADVENTURE - THE MOST MEMORABLE GUEST BLOG
 
This guest blog is definitely the most memorable. Well, it's not every day someone proposes on a blog, is it? Remember that dark, handsome stranger I was telling you about earlier...
 

"So the ShopGirl bullied me into doing a blog.
Here it is, I am real." Read More.

 
 
1st - SHOP GIRL IS LAUNCHED
 
The Book Launch of Shop Girl Diaries remains the best day of my life. I've just reread my blog post about it and tears sprung to my eyes. The publishers didn't have a budget for the launch so a group of my friends jumped in to help me organise it. I'd almost forgotten how generous people had been. Thank you again, and I hope there'll be another one soon!
 
"The Big day had come:
The Launch of 'Shop Girl Diaries'.
My nerves were momentarily eased by the successful match of my new tights with the dress.
It's those little details that really niggle.
As the Chines proverb goes, 'it's not the mountain that wears you out but the grain of sand in your shoe.'" -
Read More.
 
 
A blog doesn't thrive very well alone. It needs its readers, so thank you for all your support over the last 5 years.
 
***
 
 In my workshops I aim to pass on all the things I've learnt over the years. If you feel like starting your own blog, my next Blogging for Beginners and Improvers Workshop is on Saturday 13th July.
 
Check out my Workshop Page for more information.   
 
 

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

A Flawed Character

                                                    Photo by Thinkstock
 
 
A character in a novel needs a few flaws or they aren't very realistic.
 
So I mock one up. Give them a face. Maybe a couple of arms. Legs. A bit of hair. Perhaps a beard. Then I sit them down on a chaise longue and I ask them: What is wrong with you?
 
Are you too bossy? Do you have a phobia? Do you eat with your mouth open? Do you have a messed up relationship with a relative? Do you steal from the pic n' mix counter at the cinema? Don't tell me you talk at the cinema because I'll have to kill you off before your debut... Are you unreliable? Jealous? Do you wish you were someone else?
 
Of course, if writing guidebooks are anything to go by, there's only one question worth asking: WHAT IS IN YOUR POCKET?
 
Nope? You've never done that little exercise?
 
I don't know what's in my own pocket let alone theirs. Fluff probably. And a hair band. Very telling. Yes, I have long hair! Now you know everything there is to know about me.
 
It's ironic that while I'm inventing flaws for my fictional characters, I'm wishing I could erase them entirely from my own character. I ignore the fact that if I didn't have any flaws, I wouldn't be realistic. Perhaps I wouldn't be real even. I would vanish from the face of the earth and THE GREAT WRITER would appear with one of those pencils with the little pink rubber at the end, the rubber visibly used, and say, 'Sorry, I had to edit you out, you weren't very believable'.
 
Last Saturday was a boozy affair where everything was just wonderful, until it wasn't. I don't know. I got excited. Lost my will power in the garden somewhere. Maybe it fell through the grill along with a barbequed sausage. The result was, I woke up with a hangover, and was overcome with self-loathing. I couldn't understand how it had happened. How come my character, who had been through so much, could still act like she was a teenager? Hadn't she learnt ANYTHING?
 
It's frustrating being a human being sometimes...  
 
And repetitive too as the same old thoughts kick in: How I'm never going to drink ever again in my life. Or at least a month. A couple of weeks? Okay, I'll give up drinking forever but I might have to take up something else instead. Then again smoking has got to be worse than drinking, hasn't it? No I know, I'll never go out. If I don't go out I won't be tempted. I'll be a hermit. Yes, I'll be a hermit. But then my husband might get bored of me and leave me. Oh, but he probably should because I'm an idiot anyway... Why don't I ever remember to drink water? Never. Again. I'm going to start my whole life over. Maybe I should have a baby. I'll definitely be more responsible if I have a baby. I won't be able to drink either. Oh shut up, I'm NOT going to have a baby just to make myself feel better about myself. You complete idiot. I'll have to drink lime and tonic at parties, say I'm on antibiotics... whatever happens I'm never getting drunk EVER AGAIN.  
 
Real enough? Frustratingly so.
 
Obviously this morning I've been a model character. I meditated and I went for a long walk and I decided to give up alcohol for a month. I WILL be the character I want to be, I think to myself. And yet, although I'll make every effort, I sense THE GREAT WRITER is laughing at me. I've missed something important. I'll be a perfect character for a short while, but never forever.
 
Perhaps I need to have better look in my pocket. Perhaps there is a secret in there after all.   
 
A View from this Morning's Walk